I am so P.O.'d right now. I can barely even know where to begin. I don't think I've mentioned, but I have two stepdaughters, 16 and 13. They come over every Friday. I get off work on Fridays at 1 and usually clean the house during that time. Before I left for work, my husband informed me that his ex had called earlier in the week and informed him that the girls wouldn't be coming this Friday. He said he would text his eldest daughter, then text me. I got no text, assumed they weren't coming and proceeded to lay in bed for four hours while nursing my cold. I get a phone call at 5PM from the 16 year old asking whether she should come straight to our house or meet her dad at her mom's house. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First of all, why is a 16 year old calling at 5PM when she gets out of school at 2:45????? With no one knowing her whereabouts? Hell-freakin-o! We live in Chicago, in the middle of some record breaking violent period. You can't just run rampant and decide when YOU want to come home or call!
OK, not to mention the fact that this last minute BS really ticks me off. I am so tired of the inconsiderate way that those girls and their mother just drop events on us as if we have nothing better to do than cater to their every whim.
My husband just does whatever, but it really incenses me. I didn't sign up for this!
It runs a lot deeper than this. I am a very strong, "you eat what I put in front of you or you don't eat at all" mom. The 13 year old has been allowed for years to pick and choose what she wants to eat. In fact, she's had brown sugar, that's right, brown sugar, added to just about every veggie to get her to eat it. Last week, I made spaghetti squash with butter and cheese in addition to broccoli and barbecued chicken. She refused to eat the spaghetti squash, but wanted to go ahead and eat her treat. I told her (as I was arguing with my four year old about eating HIS spaghetti squash) that if she wanted to eat her treat, she had to eat the squash. I said, "I can't have this battle with your brother if I don't follow through with you too." She went to speak to her father about it. He was ticked at me, but held ground that evening. The next day, I drive her to choir, of course, and she calls to ask if she can hang out with a friend. Fine with me. She calls her sister and tells her to grab the treat I had deprived her of the previous day and put it in her bag. I told her sister to tell her it'd be here for her next week. My husband said, "Give my daughter her treat." WTF?!?!?! I'm good enough to clean this house, deal with last minute plans, drop everything for them, but I mean Jack squat, right?
So I'm already nursing my anger from last week and this happens. I am so PPPPPPPPOOOOOOOO'd. I can't handle it!!!!!!!! And I have a cold!!!! So I can't just say, "That's it! I'm going to my parents house!" With their cancer treatments and my father's already infected surgical openings, they'd be sure to get sicker than me. GRRRRRRR......
Thanks for listening. I just wish I could've thrown some expletives in there.
rage against the machine and inserting expletives
May 9th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
May 9th, 2008 at 11:14 pm 1210374890
May 9th, 2008 at 11:45 pm 1210376701
It may help to discuss with him some boundaries that you both agree to in dealing with his ex, so that you don't feel so walked over.
Hope things get better soon!
May 10th, 2008 at 12:21 am 1210378895
It is not easy and it is crazy on everyone's part as the family member's identity is out of wrack and seems all is lost on what is 'family' and what is 'living under someone else’s rules for the weekend as if they were guests and not a family member'. A set of rules alone does not make one feel like part of the family alone as it is much deeper than that as far as having the trust, confidence , love to be able to share deep feelings and concerns and joy with another.
Sounds like the step daughters are not seeing you as a family but rather someone who is watching over them while Father is hiding somewhere. A lot of resentment goes there from both ways.
Hope you can have a heart to heart talk with your husband and resolve to find a way to have two families introduced to each other as a family instead of making everyone feels like they have to be a different person in either family.
Life is too short to be angry all the time; it may have a lasting effect later on in life when it comes to relationships when the girls get older and on their own.
It just food for thoughts
May 10th, 2008 at 02:41 am 1210387279
May 10th, 2008 at 04:26 am 1210393584
May 10th, 2008 at 05:02 am 1210395767
May 10th, 2008 at 11:25 am 1210418729
May 10th, 2008 at 01:37 pm 1210426644
It's a difficult situation regarding the girls. I have known them for eight years, thus, I am very much a steadfast in their lives. The role of being more of a disciplinarian has come about because my husband is one of those who does not discipline. He is very good with my son, but he deals with a lot of guilty feelings regarding the divorce and leaving his girls with their mother. It's quite a long story stemming from his own mother. He will not and does not stand up to his ex, regardless of her behavior and how it hurts her children and us. He is reluctant to discipline because he feels it's useless (due to the influence of their mother) and the guilt.
My husband is a wonderful, loving father. He is not reluctant to discipline our son. For the most part, we have a united front (all parents have disagreements here and there about decisions regarding their children). When it comes to his girls, they run rampant. I agree; it is definitely not my job to discipline them. But on that same token, then they shouldn't be left in my care, nor should I have the responsibilities of a parent such as driving them, picking them up, etc. etc. Being alone with children requires discipline in some form or another (e.g. they don't wear their seatbelt with their mother, but they sure as heck will wear it when they're with me...involves me asking them to put it on, which can result in a power struggle).
With my husband's new job, he now works Saturdays. They come over Fridays, thus, Saturdays I am responsible for them, for driving the younger one to choir, etc. I am definitely a loving, supportive stepmother. It just becomes difficult with the discipline issue and the effects of inconsideration on me. It's hard to explain.
Also, the lack of discipline shown to his girls will eventually catch up to my son. There should not be a disparity between my husband's discipline toward all three children. Do you know what I mean? Children absorb everything and if my husband is lax towards his older children, my son will eventually expect the same.
I don't know. I'm between a rock and a hard place here.
June 4th, 2008 at 08:26 pm 1212611201