I need a little non-financial advice (what else is new). This time it deals with my mother-in-law...in relation to my husband.
My husband is quite a bit older than me. His mother is 84. For five years, she has been "plagued" by these little flying bugs she considers parasites, in her apartment. She claims they are brought in by the Koreans in her building and they they are the Korean Red Mite, which is not visible, and yet she can see them flying in her apartment. For years, she has been giving herself enemas, putting toxic substances all over her body, to get rid of them. She has seen many doctors, all who have diagnosed her with senile dimentia. I suggested over and over again that perhaps she was ill with something else and her symptoms were for an illness she refused to be tested for (she refused to have a pap smear or colonoscopy).
On a particular night last summer, she was so panicked in the middle of the night that she called 911 about the bugs. They promptly sent over two representatives from Catholic Charities who convinced her to check herself into the hospital to have her evaluated. She was not checked in to see a doctor, but was placed in the mental ward of the hospital. When my husband and his brother showed up at the hospital and saw where she was placed, they promptly told the staff they were taking her out. Nothing was done.
Last year, she began finding blood in her urine. She was diagnosed with bladder cancer. She has refused treatment and believes the Lord and the cranberry pomegranate juice she drinks will heal her.
Not ONE of her sons (she has 3) does anything about this. The topic is avoided, never discussed. In response to her having lost about 100 pounds in the past year, my husband will make comments like "I hate old age" rather than "I wish she would go in for cancer treatment." Granted, she is 84. If she wants to die, that's her perogative. But they're all in denial. It is so frustrating and it ticks me off everytime we have some family get together or some drama takes place where his mother calls the house in a panic. They all just claim, "oh, she's just being mama."
It gets worse. She for years has also refused to have cataract surgery claiming that she could possibly lose her sight. I told my husband that she will definitely lose her sight if she does not have the surgery. She has since lost her ability to really see, but is still reluctant to have the surgery citing that she could lose her sight. No one does anything, yet we are forced to continue dealing with the drama?
She has been at every hospital in Chicago and claims they all have done her wrong or will kill her. She believes Cook County hospital is the last hope for her--Cook County hospital is for those who have no insurance, people wait for HOURS there just to get treated and end up with things like MRSA (not that I'm knocking the hospital, I'm just saying). She is on social security and medicaid, but believes these places are all for just taking her money.
It gets worse. My husband and his brothers are kind of, I don't know how to say this, enabled (?) The brother that lives here in Chicago has not worked for about ten years and has lived off of the refurbished computers he sells. He lives in a YMCA and is always trying to scrape together money. His mother is always pitying him and gives him money. Recently, she has begun to give him money for his rent as the price of computers has come down so much, people don't want to purchase refurbished computers anymore. She claims she has no money to buy things she needs when she's giving all of her money away.
It is absolutely none of my business, and yet it affects my life tremendously. Everytime I try to discuss the issue with my husband or ask how she's doing, he clams up and doesn't want to discuss it. I know I have no right to get involved, but isn't that what husbands and wives do? Give eachother advice? Tell the other spouse where they see something going awry? I'm not naggy about it and I really try to be as nice and sweet, yet I just end up seeming subversive due to my walking on eggshell demeanor about it. Do I keep my mouth shut? Do I continue down the same path? I don't know...
Mama Drama
July 8th, 2008 at 01:37 pm
July 8th, 2008 at 02:31 pm 1215527497
Oh, dear. I was in a similar situation only it was my grandmother - and while it wasn't bugs bothering her, she would be dying and we'd take her to the hospital (at the time I had two babies under 18 months and my brother was a law school student so it wasn't an easy thing to do). Finally the hospital sent a letter (I think to my dad who might have had the same address) that she wouldn't be treated anymore because there wasn't anything physically wrong with her. Shortly thereafter she was diagnosed with dementia and had to have a live-in.
I would seek the help of a social worker dealing with geriatrics. I would suggest a meeting with the siblings to come up with a plan on how to help mom when she needs it. Contact Catholic Charities if they've dealt with her there might be a file.
I might phrase it as "in the future mom might need help" or something along those lines. If you need help getting to the right place in Cook Co, let me know. I'm dealing with a similar situation getting help for DH's great aunt (81)who lives on the south side.
July 8th, 2008 at 02:57 pm 1215529079
As for the family, the problem is that I can't get them to even sit down and talk about what do do to help their Mom. So I sit here frustrated because I can't communicate to them that something needs to be done. It really just makes me wonder what I'm doing here...I'm sure I'll deal with the same kind of thing as my husband gets older and perhaps ill.
July 8th, 2008 at 05:13 pm 1215537228
July 8th, 2008 at 06:51 pm 1215543074
Sorry to hear that she has rejected help of any sort. I would simply say nothing. If her sons aren't as concerned and interested as you are (or as they should be), I suppose that the problem really isn't yours. I would be aware of any more deterioration of her mental faculties and then go from there.